I'm Still Learning

This morning, I came across a thought-provoking post floating in my Facebook feed resonating profoundly with me:

"Lately, I’ve been learning to choose silence.

I’ve been choosing not to tell people what’s going on in my wild little world. I’ve been answering hungry questions with smiles and shrugs. Clapping for others without trying to win those claps back. Showing off others’ wins while keeping mine under the table. I’m learning to find peace in doing my own thing and not caring about what people think or say. In not measuring the validity of my wins in the number of people who know about it. In not minding if there’s a recognition or not. I’m learning to find peace with the fact that winning the battle itself is the reward. That the world doesn’t need to know because whether the world knows or not that I did it, I know, and the heavens know that I did.

Lately, I’ve been keeping my mouth shut about what’s going on with life. I’ve been sitting here, just being grateful for all that’s happening and patient for everything that’s soon to happen. And I must say, ever since I decided to live in silence, life’s never been better.

—Ali"

I've quoted the author directly in this post, but the reader could refer to the original here. Reading this quote reminds me of my recent self-observation about maintaining an impressive and "likeable" public reputation on social media and in real life. This sense of performativity would emerge in impulsively sharing what I've written on Aliran or my blog on my Facebook page, followed by my obsession with the number of "likes" received, which indicate social approval. Or remaining silent in the presence of others so that I don't express opinions that could offend people. Or refraining from asking questions in a group conversation so I could understand or clarify the topic being discussed in case people are annoyed by my lack of insight. 

Obsessing what people think and approve of isn't healthy, and it's reached a point where I am languishing, practically engaging in self-censorship, a lack of authenticity in how I relate to others or a restricted sense of self that thrives only on social approval. This state of mind has continued for quite a while, and I am exhausted by the mental rut I'm trapped in. Also, seriously, that's some ego I have. If I want to make new friends, just say hi already. If people fail to reciprocate, that's their loss. We could have a meaningful conversation, but they think otherwise. 

Also, I could wholeheartedly engage in my current conversations with people interested in having them. Show up, and listen. Ask the questions I want to know the answers to. It's okay to be the listener. It's okay not to know all the answers. 

Admire and celebrate the strengths of others. Watch someone else light up in a conversation about her husband's spiritual journey and her desire for a family united by a shared faith.  Watch how a young person with almond-shaped eyes has a zest for life's simple pleasures as she dances on stage for Hari Gawai, her lipstick glinting in the sunlight.

Mute the WhatsApp conversations. In fact, just mute the phone. Stay present. Enjoy that cup of tea. Play peekaboo with my cat. Walk tall and stop slouching, for goodness sake. Exercise regularly. Read because looking at life from someone else's perspective is fun. 

Write, and keep writing. If something doesn't get published, it's okay. But write anyway, for the sheer pleasure of my own amusement. Join that writing group I've been thinking about for a long time. Engage with other writers. See how they, too, have moments of doubt and embarrassment. See how they play with images, words, and ideas without apologising for who they are and what they do.

Dear reader, if you've been wondering why the blog has been silent for the past month, it's because I've decided to take a leap of faith and begin work on a piece I am submitting to a local magazine called Nutmag. Currently, I join their online write-ins. Despite my self-doubt and apprehensions about the opinions of others, I've found it lovely to meet others and make new associations. I've also decided to sign up for Catholic classes at a local parish. When prompted to share opinions on particular topics, I'm challenged to state my thoughts. Compared to writing academically, writing creatively is a different ballgame, and there are days of paralysis where I experience torturous writer's block. Of course, there is also the comparison game of envying those who seem more productive. I am moved to provide myself compassion, unconditional regard, and patience at such junctures. 

At the same time, I'm learning to accommodate the opinions and beliefs of others who may differ significantly and respect where they come from. The Body of Christ is beautifully diverse in its ideologies and passions, and I have faith that this Home is also big enough to accept a divergent like me who holds beliefs that may sometimes contradict and challenge the norm. I also recently joined a soap-making workshop organised by a faith-based organisation, a mundane activity made enjoyable by the possibility of meeting people.

If anyone is interested in reading my Aliran pieces, I wrote a piece in March about religious diversity  and another in June about the Allah controversy

To date, I'm beginning to see the sparkle in my eye when I look into the mirror in the morning. And I'm beginning to see what it means to encounter the Divine. I find beauty in silence; at the same time, community opens me to a new kind of truth.